Questions that seem obvious like, "Why can't you leave us alone in the car while you go in the store?"; questions that aren't always obvious even to adults like, "What is blood sugar? Why doesn't your body make what it is supposed to make?"
But perhaps more perplexing than the questions my kids ask me, are the questions that raising kids surfaces inside of me without their help. Because all the things that you believe suddenly take on a new gravity when you are going to turn around and teach them to a little someone-- a someday-independent-adult person. I don't want them to believe what I believe just because I'm big and I tell them to. I want them to think for themselves, yet I don't want to be a hindrance to them believing what I do. I want to lay it all out in the clearest way- want to live what I believe even more than tell what I believe.
So here I am, trying to figure out how to embrace what I believe and explain it to my kids in a way they can increasingly grasp. But all the while I'm being constantly bombarded with new questions about life- more dilemmas- complexity to issues I once thought were simple- so many shades of color where I once saw black and white. Additionally, though the core of what I believe may stay the same, my faith and attitudes towards life are constantly fluctuating in different seasons. How do we teach our kids CONSISTENTLY about love and life and God when we in the middle of...Pain vs Joy? Depression vs Emotional Normalcy? Anger vs Peace? Loss vs Gift? Waiting vs. Contentment?
I have felt very overwhelmed lately, to be honest. Because it seems each week brings new emotional ups and downs for me, and I fear that my family has to deal with the repercussions somehow... And just when I think I have peace about the answer to a question that was plaguing me, three (more complex) questions arise in their place and I start to shut down trying to answer them all...yet I feel like I have to answer them for myself. And the questions aren't just about my life- but also about friends I love who are dealing with painful situations- about the world in general, as daily I sense more and more brokenness all around me- about the parts of faith that just aren't easy to answer or simple to accept.
Sometimes it makes me want to crawl back in bed indefinitely- or be a kid again so I can curl up in my Daddy's lap and ask him the hard questions, and trust that his answers are enough. Cry out on my Mom's shoulder all the problems that seem too big, too deep, too painful. Except now I'm old enough to know that answers, even right ones, don't always make things better right away...don't always take away the hurt or pain...don't always make sense.
I am so extremely, completely desperate for God's presence and love in my life, because at the end of the day that's all I have to stand on.
(And for all of you that I love- thanks for listening when it's not easy, and even though it seems I vehemently condemn questions- it's just how I feel right now, and I hope you never stop making me think through the tough questions. I know somehow it makes me stronger. )