I am smaller than I think I am.
I have always prided myself in being able to do more than people may expect. Sometimes it has to do with wanting to be seen as a strong woman- so no, thank you, I can move the furniture around by myself, and carry all ten grocery bags into the house at once without dropping so much as a can of tomatoes.
And I want to be seen as capable and mature for my age- I know some people take pride in success in a dream career in their twenties, or in hard earned college degrees. I have neither, but have always wanted a family. Having multiple children and seeking to raise them well feels like an achievement- aside from a blessing and joy.
Then there's the physical and emotional issues- most know I have type 1 diabetes now and wrestle daily with how to best take care of myself. I'm not exactly where I want to be with diet and exercise, but I would certainly like to be. And I'd like to tell myself that no matter where I am now I can just try a little harder, be a little tougher- this is just a part of life and it doesn't have to be a big deal.
Emotionally- I like to look like I have got it all under control. I'd like for people to think that I don't get mad about silly things, that I never feel jealous or irritated- that I never feel anxious for no reason at all. I'd like people to think that I am just a happy, generous, joy-to-be-around 24/7.
I am smaller than I'd like to be.
Truth is, I have had one of those weeks where I feel so helpless- so very small in every way. By the end I am just tired- too tired to care whether the dishes are done- too tired to look at the calendar to see what is scheduled for when. Overwhelmed so that I don't even want to attempt grocery shopping, much less carry ten bags into the house in one trip.
Truth is the kids have watched so much TV this week while they were sick that I, feeling like a slacker of a mother, am a little unprepared for the week ahead- what to do with the kids? How to wean them off of all the Barney and such? I almost forgot that tomorrow is a school holiday- I swear my kids have only changed outfits like three times this week. I started the week keeping up with the laundry but now I have two clean, unfolded piles in the guest room and one load waiting ever so patiently for me in the dryer. Before the sickness we were just getting Charlotte started on a sticker rewards chart which she was filling up with all her fabulously blooming listening skills. Somewhere the supermom in me failed to be consistent and the sticker chart sits ignored on the wall, except when Luke wants to remove a sticker or two.
Truth is I have really struggled with my diabetes this week- this month? Sometimes I really just want to throw my hands up and say, "It's not fair! Why am I the one who has to deal with this?" Sometimes I can try my best and laugh off the parts that are too overwhelming, but other times I am really, really paranoid about all the extra problems that I am more susceptible to as a diabetic...heart disease, nerve damage, vision loss, etc. This week I just felt vulnerable- feeling the weight of the reality that life is really out of my control and all the more so with my condition.
And at the end of this week I have been struggling to grasp this concept of Christ's love; because I had a glimpse of it this week, in all my ups and downs, in all the craziness. I had a glimpse of Christ's love in family taking time to be with me, or someone at church taking a moment to care- I've had a glimpse of Christ's love in events orchestrated beyond my ability- A glimpse of His Glory in a dark row of trees stretched up tall into a dusty blue sky. I feel Christ's love in the smallest gesture of compassion from a friend, or a humbling worship song- guitars, keys, drums and harmony lighting up the soul.
And while it seems so absolutely crazy that the God of this universe would care for me uniquely- I can tell you right now that all I want is His love. In fact I think in my vulnerability I am becoming more and more desperate for His love and his presence in my life. Because at the end of the day, it is OK to be small- it is OK to be human and sometimes failing- it is OK to struggle- as long as I can rest in the fact that God does love. even me. If I can trust in His love, then I have nothing to fear.
Psalm 36:5- "Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. 6Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep... 7a How priceless is your unfailing love!"