Uncertainty is what I need. Oh it is not what I want- not by a long shot. I don't hop out of bed each morning thinking, "Oooh, the random possibilities! My daughter may feel great today- on the other hand she could get a stomach bug, my husband could get promoted or fired, and my prescription may be filled with no problem, or I may have to make a string of calls to figure it all out. The not knowing thrills me!!"
"Uncertainty" belongs with a long list of words we've rejected as negative- words like "vulnerability", "helplessness", "flawed", "weak". But I have found over and over that those are the very qualities or conditions that bring me closer to God.
I have type 1 Diabetes- the kind where you have to take insulin to survive- "juvenile diabetes"- but I wasn't diagnosed as a child. I was diagnosed at age 22 after having gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy. I honestly do not know how a child handles something like this, as I have struggled the last three years to get a grip on it. I walked out of two decades of relatively care-free health into a world of daily finger pricks, blood sugar levels that seem to rise and fall on a whim, counting carbs and sugars carefully, wearing an insulin pump, and dealing with the stress of not only a chronic disease but the hassle of dealing with insurance companies to receive the care that I need.
Now thankfully this is not a terminal illness- it is not an immediate death sentence- and there are so many improvements to diabetic supplies and information in my generation. Trust me, I am so very grateful for that. But this is honestly one of my biggest uncertainties in life right now. Now I know the feeling of waiting on life-saving supplies each month- the fear that comes with adapting to a more complicated life- the daily tangible realization of what I knew to be true all along...that my very life and breath and being is out of my control.
I hate diabetes, I'm not going to lie. And if you'd ask me outright if I'd prefer that God take it away, I would not hesitate to say "YES!" But if I look back over the last few years, I could tell you for absolute certain that my diabetes has driven me closer to God. Time and again I have collapsed on the floor or bed and just cried out to God trying to make sense of things- I have prayed for my blood sugar levels, and I've prayed for medical supplies. Ultimately, this uncertainty in my life helps me to ask the most meaningful questions of myself and God. Like, "What is the worst thing that I think could happen to me? Is it death? Doesn't God promise me hope even in death? Do I really believe that Jesus is better than life? Do I really TRUST in God- trust in His goodness even when life doesn't go the way I want it to? Am I holding onto life so tightly- so afraid of hurt and pain and loss and death that I'm not really even living?"
What is your story? What are your uncertainties? For better or worse, where have they lead you?
My prayer is that God will use these as one more "less" in our lives that He can shine through.